An Alternate Plan Of Action To Discreetly Resolve The Situation
by MrFredCDobbs
Summary: It's not every day that Commander Shepard gets a message from C-Sec saying, 'Your presence is needed in regards to a rampage in a hotel lobby by a krogan wielding a giant sex toy.' A one-shot humor piece.


_"Right this way, Commander Shepard,"_ the turian C-Sec officer said as soon as the Spectre exited the skycar. _"We appreciate you arriving so promptly."_

_"Yes, about that,"_ the commander replied as they strode into the five-star Silversun Strip hotel. "_The message must have gotten garbled. I mean, it said I was needed in regards to 'a rampage in a hotel lobby by a krogan wielding a giant sex toy.' An auto-translator must have gotten the initial report mixed up or -"_

_"No, that's pretty much what happened,"_ the officer responded. _"You'll see."_

The officer led the commander into the hotel's lobby, which looked like the site of a full-scale riot. Furniture was smashed, holes had been punched through several walls, hand-woven artisan asari rugs were torn and the one ceiling fixture that remained dangled by a single cord. Seated forlornly in the center of the room and surrounded by several C-Sec officers were Urdnot Grunt, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy and Jeff "Joker" Moreau. Right next to them was a large object covered by a table cloth. When the trio saw the commander enter, they started exchanging worried glances and shifting in their seats.

_"Okay, officer. I'll take it from here. Spectre authority. Please wait in front of the hotel while I interrogate this riff-raff,"_ the commander declared. The lead C-Sec officer nodded and beckoned the other officers to follow him out. Shepard turned to the trio.

_"Well?"_ the commander asked.

The three refused to say anything or to even look up at Shepard. An uncomfortable silence hung in the air.

_"Either one of you starts talking or I hand this back to C-Sec,"_ the commander impatiently declared.

Tali elbowed both Grunt and Joker. When neither responded, she spoke up._ "Okay, I want it understood up front, Shepard, that I didn't cause any of this. I was just trying to help out a crewmate,"_ she announced.

_"And how did that lead to this, Tali?"_ Shepard replied, gesturing to the destroyed lobby.

Tali took a long breath._ "Okay, I was just doing some shopping on the strip for exo-suit upgrades. There's a store that makes items to order that you ordinarily cannot get outside of the flotilla. I was negotiating the price for the latest upgrade when I got pinged on my omni-tool by Joker. He asked me to head over to this hotel as quickly as I could but not to tell anyone else. He wouldn't give me any more information than that. So, I went. I mean, he's my friend and my crewmate. When a friend needs you, that's what you do, right?"_

_"Get to the point, Tali,"_ the commander replied.

Tali took another long breath. _"Okay, so I went to this hotel and up to the room number that Joker gave me, and... and..."_ Tali shook her head. _"Keelah, I am not faint-hearted, Shepard. I have seen so, so many things as part of your crew: the rachni, the collectors, the reapers. Things I will take to the grave when I join my ancestors. And tonight I saw one more thing that I will add to that list. Something that is seared into my memory. It was... It was..."_

Joker, who had previously been fidgeting and rolling his eyes as Tali spoke, interrupted her. _"Oh, come on! It wasn't like watching the collectors turn people into paste, alright?"_ he sputtered, then turned to Shepard. _"When Tali got to the hotel room, she saw me naked and pinned underneath EDI. That was what she saw, ok? I pinged her because I thought she might be able to fix EDI and let us get out of this hotel without causing a fuss."_ He looked at the shattered lobby. _"Things didn't go according to plan."_

Shepard drummed five fingers along the top of a chair. _"EDI?"_ Shepard said out loud.

_"Yes, commander?"_ the AI responded through the Spectre's omni-tool.

_"Did you lose control over your robotic body?"_ the commander asked.

_"Yes, Shepard. At approximately 18:23 hours, the remote connection to my mobile platform was severed and I have been unable to reassert control over it,"_ the AI replied. _"It has been inert and nonfunctional ever since then."_

The commander again drummed five fingers along the top of the chair. _"EDI?"_ Shepard asked.

_"Yes, commander?"_ the AI responded.

_"That was three hours ago. Why did you not inform me of this at the time?"_ Shepard asked.

There was a brief pause before the AI responded._ "Jeff and I initially thought it was a minor glitch and that crewmate Tali'Zorah would be able to provide assistance. We saw no need to interrupt your activities."_

Shepard clenched and then unclenched a fist. _"EDI?"_ the Spectre asked.

_"Yes, commander?"_ the AI replied.

_"Again, that was three hours ago. I was in my cabin, going over crew readiness reports. I wasn't doing anything that couldn't be disturbed. You knew that because you monitor everything on the ship. Why then did you not inform me that you had lost control of your body after it became apparent that Tali could not provide the needed assistance?"_ Shepard asked.

There was a slightly longer pause before EDI responded. _"Jeff and I determined that it was not yet a crisis that demanded your attention. We opted to engage in an alternate plan of action to discreetly resolve the situation."_

_"EDI?"_ Shepard asked.

_"Yes, commander?"_ the AI responded.

_"Did this 'alternate plan to discreetly resolve the situation' involve enlisting the aid of the leader of a group of krogan commandos?"_ Shepard asked, looking down at Grunt. _"And did this plan involve having this commando enter a five-star Silversun Strip hotel?"_

_"Yes, commander,"_ the AI responded._ "It seemed like a pragmatic decision at the time."_

The commander gave out a long, loud sigh. _"I know I am going to regret asking this, but why were you and Joker in this hotel room in the first place and what happened to cause you to lose control over your platform?"_

Tali interrupted._ "You may need to hear this, commander, but I don't. Really, I don't,"_ the quarian pleaded._ "Before either Joker or EDI start, give me a second to set my exo-suit's audio enhancement function to it's lowest level. That will effectively make me deaf. Just flash two thumbs when you want me to restore it to the regular level."_ Shepard nodded and Tali began tapping away at her omni-tool for a few seconds before shouting,_ "OKAY, GO AHEAD."_

Joker looked up at Shepard._ "Ok, now, first thing we gotta remember is that you encouraged EDI and I to have a serious relationship. So, if anything, this is kind of on you,"_ he declared. _"So, the deal is... Well, EDI and I have been ... trying to figure out the ways we can... you know..."_

EDI chimed in. _"It is well-established in human psychological literature that physical intimacy is an integral part of a healthy adult relationship and that failure to achieve this intimacy in a mutually-satisfactory way can have a serious negative impact on the relationship. If you want, Shepard, I can forward any number of peer-reviewed scholarly articles to your omni-tool that will attest to this."_

The commander's eyes rolled. _"That won't be necessary, EDI."_

_"Understood, Shepard,"_ the AI replied.

The commander looked down at Joker. _"Here's what I don't understand - Well, one thing I don't understand - You have your own private cabin on the Normandy, Joker. Why didn't you and EDI do ... whatever it was that you were doing there instead of at a Silversun Strip hotel?"_

It was Joker's turn to roll his eyes. _"Because my cabin is *in* the Normandy, Shepard."_

_"I don't follow,"_ the commander replied.

EDI again chimed in. _"Jeff is referring to the fact that the ship is effectively my body as well. He finds it disconcerting to be 'inside' me when we experiment with intimacy. It creates a psychological state that in turn limits his physical options. Jeff finds it difficult to maintain optimal blood flow, especially to the lower regions of his body."_

_"Ha!"_ snorted Grunt.

Joker rubbed his forehead. _"So we thought a change of scenery would help. Someplace nice, with sheets that have a higher thread count than Alliance Navy standard issue. So I splurged on a hotel room here. I'm guessing they're going to tack on some extra fees,"_ he said, looking around at the lobby.

_"You still haven't told me how you lost control over EDI's robot body,"_ Shepard noted.

Joker got silent again, so EDI again spoke up. _"Our initial plan appeared to work. Quite well, in fact. Jeff's functions were no longer impaired and his attitude became highly positive. However, my platform's infiltration software did not come equipped with programs for intimacy, so I have had to create new algorithms to accommodate Jeff's needs. These algorithms are complex because they must take into account Jeff's Vrolik's Syndrome and the fact that my platform weighs approximately 220 kilograms. Care must be taken to avoid harming him. There is no precedent for this I can use as a model so, to use a human phrase, I have had to 'make it up as we go.' A key component of this is verbal input from Jeff. On this occasion, Jeff's verbal feedback came at a much faster rate than on previous occasions and was often contradictory. I was therefore obligated to rapidly switch between different algorithms. The resulting stress on the platform's system caused the neural interface to fail. That, in turn, resulted in a cascade effect to other systems, shutting off all remote control."_

The commander tried, with only partial success, to suppress a snicker. _"Things go so heated between you two that it caused your computer brain to melt down?"_

EDI remained calm and even-toned. _"Not my brain, which is housed in the Normandy. The neural interface for my remote platform did malfunction, yes. The system was evidently not designed for this activity. The platform became inert and Jeff could not lift it off his own body."_

Joker emitted a low growl. _"And attempting to avoid wisecracks like that is why we didn't contact you first. I remembered Tali saying she would be shopping on the strip today so I figured, 'Hey, she's an engineer and close by, maybe she could fix EDI.'"_

Shepard turned to the quarian. _"Ok, Tali, why couldn't you fix EDI?"_

Tali silently stared up at Shepard.

_"Tali?"_ Shepard repeated.

The quarian remained silent.

_"TALI! TURN YOUR SUIT'S HEARING FUNCTION BACK ON!"_ Shepard shouted.

The engineer pulled up her omni-tool and tapped away at it. _"Sorry, I thought we had agreed on two thumbs up as the signal. What was your question?"_

Shepard's jaw tightened. _"Why couldn't you fix EDI?"_

_"Oh, that was because the circuits had fused together,"_ she explained. _"I would have had to create a new neural interface. I could do it, but I would need the tools back on the Normandy. So, we had to get EDI's body back to the ship. And, keelah, there was no way I could carry that thing. Plus, it was still ... in an embrace with Joker when I reached the hotel room. It took us a while just to separate the two of them."_ Tali shuddered at the memory.

Tali reached over and pulled the table cloth off the large object near them. It revealed EDI's robot body and the position it had become stuck in. It was impossible, literally impossible, not to stare at least briefly. Suddenly, Tali's comment about taking an image to her grave was a whole lot clearer to Commander Shepard.

_"EDI, I had no idea you were so ... willing to accommodate,"_ Shepard eventually said.

_"I believe it is important for both our sakes to make this relationship work,"_ the AI replied._ "To that end, I am willing to experiment to find new means to firm up the emotional bond between Jeff and I."_

Shepard made a low whistling sound._ "No doubt about that. Going above and beyond the call, in fact."_ After a few more moments staring at EDI's frozen body, Shepard asked, _"Tali?"_

_"Yes, commander?"_ Tali replied.

_"Once it became clear you could not fix EDI, why didn't you contact me? You had nothing to be embarrassed about,"_ Shepard asked.

_"Oh, well... Umm, there was a discussion between myself and Joker and EDI. We decided that, umm..."_ the quarian stammered.

_"I bribed her, okay?"_ Joker exclaimed. _"She said she was having trouble paying for the exo-suit upgrade she had come to the strip to get. Something about one of the parts having to be custom-made and the seller upping the price as a result. So I told her I'd go half on it if she would just kept you out of this."_

Shepard looked to Joker, then back to Tali. _"What the hell was he helping you buy?"_

Tali looked down at the floor and said nothing.

_"Crewmate Tali'Zorah was attempting to purchase the Nerve-StimPro Ultra-Deluxe edition and have the seller remove a safety feature that caps the amount of feedback it gives the user. The additional feature exceeded her shopping budget,"_ EDI explained.

_"You bosh'tet! That was supposed to be private,"_ Tali sputtered.

EDI's tone remained calm as always. _"At this point, Tali, it is logical to assume that all details are going to come to light."_

Joker sighed. _"Not that it was worth the credits anyway since Tali couldn't fix the problem here. That's when we called Grunt. He was the only person we could think of who could carry EDI back to the ship."_

Grunt looked up at Shepard. _"Battlemaster, I was just trying to help out friends. Didn't seem like a big deal when I showed up."_

Shepard gestured to EDI's inert robotic body._ "You weren't ... put off by this?"_

The krogan commando shrugged._ "All alien mating practices are equally weird to me. I mean, the females in your species don't even lay egg clutches! What's up with that? But, hey, it's no skin off my hump what these two were doing."_

Shepard gestured again to the hotel lobby. _"So, if you could carry EDI without a problem and you weren't upset by anything, then how did all this happen?"_

Grunt looked back down at the floor and said nothing. Tali gave out a quarian curse and started in.

_"We threw a table cloth over EDI and he started carrying her out,"_ the engineer said. _"It was going fine, perfectly fine, right up until we reached the lobby. And then, wouldn't you know it, another krogan is in the lobby, spots Grunt and challenges him to a fight."_

Shepard tuned to the krogan. _"Grunt, you accepted the challenge?"_

The krogan shot a surprised look at the commander. _"That pyjak insulted Urdnot Wrex! My clan's honor was at stake. You of all people should understand this, battlemaster,"_ Grunt replied._ "I had to accept even though I didn't have any of my usual weapons with me. I had to use the only thing I had at hand."_

Suddenly, it all became clear to the commander. _"Grunt, do you mean...?"_

* * *

[The following day]

_"... And so that's how EDI's butt got officially registered by C-Sec as a deadly weapon,"_ Shepard concluded.

There was a long pause on the other end of the com line to Grissom Academy. _"Can't believe I missed that,"_ Jack eventually replied._ "If the students here didn't need me, I'd re-join your crew in a heartbeat, Shepard. You have all the fun. Can I at least be the one to break the news to the cheerleader that EDI's butt got registered before her's did?"_

\- The End -

* * *

[Special thanks to Magpie Corvidae for beta-ing this story for me and making some wise suggestions to the text and how to handle the EDI-Joker romance. Keelah, readers, you have no idea what she saved you from.]


End file.
